Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
funny humor giving
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
funny humor blood
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
funny humor home
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it...
funny humor ice
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
funny believe humor
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
funny humor names
I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.
funny humor doors
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
funny humor trying
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
funny humor games
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
funny humor paris
I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
funny humor people
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
funny humor want
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".