Tommy Cooper Quotations

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Wild Turkey is my friend. Old friends can meet any time. They're easy together like that. I poured myself a large one and lit a Benny. Brunch.

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."