Wanda Sykes Quotations

Men are dogs. Men are dogs. We got to stop it. Men are not dogs. Uh-uh. Dogs are loyal.

My worlds collide. When one things happens, it just starts a domino effect - everything else goes on.

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.

I don't understand why people really get upset about something that doesn't affect them at all.

Sometimes black people really want to hold onto our oppression - 'This is ours! This belongs to us.' You can't just talk about equality for somebody else. Let's pass it on. Let's pass it on to somebody else. At the end of the day, it is all about inequality.

What drives the creative person is that we see it all.

The government shouldn't be involved in this because it's very simple. If you don't believe in same-sex marriage, then don't marry somebody of the same sex.

If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.

I enjoy stand-up because it has the biggest reward: instant gratification. You can hear the people laughing.

Actually, I majored in marketing and I have a bachelor of science.

I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.

But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.

I'm here today because I hated everything else.

It's not until you develop your own voice, your own persona onstage that you become your own comic, who you really are.

If I did a talk show, this would allow me to speak on what's happening at that moment. I can be current, and I get to flex my stand-up muscle but stay at home without doing the traveling.

I have problems with YouTube and things like that, when you catch it mid production. If I'm doing a show and I'm working on a bit and someone's there with a phone, they record it and put it online - it's not the finished product.

Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.

It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.

A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.

And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.

I always want to go back and do stand-up; I like the freedom.

I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.

I watched a lot of comedy growing up.

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

I'm shy. I am. I mean, if I get around, you know, in a room of a bunch of people especially I - you know, I don't know or - it takes me a while to warm up. I'm - and the real me, I'm not as witty as, you know, as the comic Wanda. The comic, she's had time to work on some things.

It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.

Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do.

But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking.

I don't like doing the same material over and over again. It's not fun.

I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me.

I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place.

I love Costas. He's knows too much, but he's a good guy.

I really can't pinpoint the one moment when I said I want to be a comic.

I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real.

I was funny around my family. My family, they're pretty funny, too.

I watch Jay. I watch 'Letterman'. I flip back and forth between 'Conan' and 'Letterman', especially the top of the show for those guys.

I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up.

I'm finally just relaxed and comfortable with who I am.

In '87, I used to do this awful, awful James Brown impression.

The first time onstage, a light went on. 'OK, this is my thing. I'm comfortable here. This is my thing.'

Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.

Usually, there's nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.

I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.

I'm always thinking of stuff; I just don't sit down and write it. I come up with material more as I go along; if something funny happens, I'll make a note of it on my phone.

We have to get out there and touch the people and let them know that you are thinking about them and to try and lift their spirits and get awareness out there to the rest of the country.

When I'm not on T.V. or working on a movie, I'm on the road doing stand-up. That's my roots.

Of course, my mother would love for me to work clean,

Monster-in-Law, I'm not going to say anything bad about that girl. Everybody picks on her. And she doesn't deserve it.

I got the job by walking into the director's office, ... I saw this guy behind a desk and said, 'Where is the director, little boy? What is this -- bring-your-kid-to-work day?'

But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it's so forced.

There is a double standard out there. Comedy is a male business; it's not ladylike what we're doing. But at the end of the day, if it's funny, it's funny, and funny tends to quiet the criticisms.

Also, Def Jam came along, and everybody was doing it without really practicing or trying to be better comics, just trying to get on TV.

It's fun coming back home. The crowds have so much love and support for me. They're really smart crowds and I love playing in D.C. for that reason.

I'm a big Cosby fan. I respect the man.

I'll never forget the first time my family came to see me do stand-up, ... It was an awful bombing. It was like a damn terrorist attack. I was onstage in Washington, D.C., and the audience was talking. Some of them even turned their backs to me. I was paralyzed. I couldn't even move. I just kept talking until I heard my mother yell out, 'Wanda! Get off the stage!'

I know it sounds like the party line, but I just love doing this show, ... Larry is just an odd man, and in such an inappropriate way. He's funny. He's a genius, and he's so lovable. It's a treat to show up at work and yell at him.

I don't know if it's a woman's tone of voice or training. Maybe guys are like, When I go home, I have to hear it. Right now I'm at work.

I had top-secret clearance and everything. I was working on a couple of projects that would keep me involved in Desert Storm. I was in the mix, which is scary.

As a comedian I don't think they look at me as a sexual person but I can see where with actors it would be a little difficult for them because its part of their mystique, it gives them an easier time to change characters and people aren't going oh we have a gay actor, their gay so I don't know if I'm gunna buy this guy with this girl, its weird, I don't think it's fair; it's only done with us, it seems, like they just accept everyone as straight and go along with it and then its oh their gay and make a big deal out of it.

There's times when I'm really shy, so these roles that I get to play, they're how I would love to really be. And that's why I love doing stand-up, because it gives me the freedom to say what I really want to say. I think that's why it's my favorite thing to do.

You know what, I think maybe it's because men like to fart, and the host wants to be able to sit in his writers' room and just pass gas freely. Me, I'm a lady. I'm dainty. I know to get up and leave the room and go to my office.

Ok so there's no TV shows, no movies going on fine, but I love going on stage and performing stand up so my situation is a little better than someone who's strictly just an actor or actress.

Whatever I talk about is what I'm interested in at the time. Politics are big with me. But being a mom is taking up most of my time. My act is more family-oriented than it is about politics.

There are just so many more laws and rules that apply with marriage that do not come with domestic partnership and also to me it's the commitment.

I have a well-balanced show. It's 50/50 on men/women, and also African-American/white writers, it's the same thing. I have four African-American writers, and four non-African-American writers.

Writers get to stay with the piece. They don't just turn the script in and somebody else takes it over and goes out and produces it and edits it and all that stuff. We stay with the piece all the way through.

You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.

I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.

Mostly everything gets worse before it gets better.

I love my family but my family - they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did... I was in the first grade Christmas play - I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus... They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby...' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'

I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it's like they weren't even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.

I sat down and wrote some jokes and went to the talent show, got up on stage, fell in love with it and never turned back.

But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it's so forced.

When I'm not on T.V. or working on a movie, I'm on the road doing stand-up. That's my roots.

Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.

Women and our right to choose were going to be challenged with Ashcroft around. When Bush appointed Ashcroft, I went out and got me four abortions. I stocked up. The doctor was like, "Listen, you're not pregnant." I said, "Hey, just shut up and do your job. I'm exercising my right while I can, dammit.

white criminals commit the biggest crimes.a brother might rob a bank. a white man will rob a pension fund. the brother is going to get ten to fifteen years because he had a gun. the white guy is going to get a congressional hearing because he had a job and a nice suit.

Being gay is harder than being black. I didn't have to come out black. I didn't have to tell my parents about what its like to be black.

L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.

I'm really funny now.

How can you stop people from loving each other? How can you get upset about loving?

I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

I think the worst one [indian mascot] is the Cleveland Indians' Big Chief Wahoo. It's just a red face on a baseball with a big, toothy grin. It's the Sambo of all other offensive mascots. I have never seen a Native American smile that hard before, not even at a casino opening.

Should I talk about [having breast cancer]? Because how many things could I have? You know black, lesbian - I'm like, I can't be the poster child for everything. At least with the LGBT issues we get a parade and a float and it's a party.

I think Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker but he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight ... Rush Limbaugh - I hope the country fails. I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

I'm going to leave The Wanda Sykes Show and try to get her job because $5 million ain't too bad!

We never hid anything from the kids. I feel whole again, I really do. I've told them, 'Mommy's boo-boo is much better now.'

You can't make a woman happy. That's like trying to cure a fatal disease. The goal is to treat the symptoms so you can comfortably live with the illness.

If you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

When I am outside at night by myself every person turns into a pedophile. So I tend to walk a little faster than usual and then I sprint.

Yeah, I had top-secret clearance and everything.

That's proof right there that men and women are on different levels because men can watch two women together and that's a turn-on. It doesn't work the same way for us, does it, ladies? No, uh-uh - it doesn't work the same. You ask any woman in here her sexual fantasy, and I will bet you a million dollars that it's NOT to go home and catch your man bent over with some big, burly guy standing behind him.

I feel today's society is so judgmental.

When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.

Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.

My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.

People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.