Wilson Mizner Quotations

If you count all your assets you always show a profit.

What feeling is so nice as a child's hand in yours? So small, so soft and warm, like a kitten huddling in the shelter of your clasp.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

It is not in life, but in art that self-fulfillment is to be found.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.

All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long.

In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.

The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.

Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.

I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.

I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.

Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.

The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'

Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.

Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.

I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.

A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune.

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.

I have known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, but never had a thought.

God sends our relatives, but we can choose our friends.

Many a live wire would be a dead one except for his connections

A trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat.

I'd rater know a square guy than own a square mile

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but, after a while, knows something

A good listener is not only popular everywhere but, after a while he knows something

The first dawn of smartness is to stop trying things you don't know anything about - especially if they run to anything over a dollar

I want a priest, a rabbi and a Protestant minister. I want to hedge my bets.

The most pitiful human ailment is a birdseed heart.

Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education.

God help those who do not help themselves.

It is criminal negligence to leave suckers lying around to tempt honest men.

The only bird that gives the poor a real tumble is the stork.

The day which we fear as our last is but the bday of eternity. - By SenecaThe first hundred years are the hardest.

A good party is where you enjoy good people, and they taste even better with Champagne.

Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor-unassisted.

A fellow who is always declaring that he's no fool, usually has his suspicions.

Count 10 over him - he'll get up

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.

He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.

Failure has gone to his head.

There's nothing so comfortable as a small bankroll. A big one is always in danger.

Anybody who can write home for money can write for magazines.

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

Easy street is a blind alley.

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

I had never considered marriage, but I had an open mind, and I was to learn after a brief try at it that most open minds should be closed for repairs.

Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen Hey, you

Florida was invented for Addison Mizner's little brother.

It's getting so people no longer count the silverware when I come to dinner.

Gambling: A sure way to get nothing from something.

Women can instantly see through each other, and it's surprising how little they observe that's pleasant.

I never saw a mob rush across town to do a good deed.

Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.

He's a trellis for varicose veins.

Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.

The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.

I've known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.

The first hundred years are the hardest.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.

The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.

The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong.