Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Heywood "Woody" Allenis an American actor, comedian, filmmaker, playwright and musician, whose career spans more than six decades...