Rita Rudner Funny Quotations

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.