Rita Rudner Husband Quotations

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.

My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.