Robin Williams Funny Quotations

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

Carpe per diem - seize the check.

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

I went to rehab for alcoholism in wine country, just to keep my options open.

We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full."

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

Reality: What a concept!

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.