Rodney Dangerfield Wife Quotations

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

My wife gives good headache.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.