Stephen Colbert Way Quotations

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.

Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make.

Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.