Steven Wright House Quotations

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.