Steven Wright Humor Quotations

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

How young can you die of old age?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

A metaphor is like a simile.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

I took a baby shower.

I washed mud off of mud.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.