W. C. Fields Comedy Quotations

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.