W. C. Fields Funny Quotations

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.

No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

I like children - fried.

I drink therefore I am.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.