Will Rogers Funny Quotations

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

I'm not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.

You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.

Common sense ain't common.

I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

My father was one-eighth Cherokee indian and my mother was quarter-blood Cherokee. I never got far enough in arithmetic to figure out how much injun that made me, but there's nothing of which I am more proud than my Cherokee blood.

Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.

A company is known by the people it keeps.

In politics practically everything you hear is scandal, and besides, the funny thing is that the things they are whispering ain't half has bad as the things they have been saying right out loud.

It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.

Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Always drink upstream from the herd.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else

So live that you would not mind selling your pet parrot to the town gossip

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.