Woody Allen Witty Quotations

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you want to be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell? It's not all a drag, and I'm thinking to myself: Geez! I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after-who knows? Maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know that maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have.

You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

The heart wants what it wants.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

The wicked at heart probably know something.

he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.