Bill Hicks Quotations

Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

I hate patriotism... I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked.

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light.

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.

The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

I'm totally confused about what I'm going to do with my life.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.

Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.

As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.

People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself - to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true.

Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.

And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it.

Music is a great energizer. It's a language everybody knows.

Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Beleive or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.

If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews.

I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.

To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake.

Isn’t that weird, we’ve made nature against the law. That’s how un-natural we’ve become.

We'll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God – I am killing me!

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind's sole purpose on this planet.

I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.

Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.

How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs.

People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn't have, seeing as it's being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.

I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!

I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you.

I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift.

I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world.

I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us...to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells...

Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day.

I don't identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for.

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes]

We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it.

Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television.

Be yourself on stage. Nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered.

Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority.

So scary watching the news...Like Iraq...could ever under any stretch of the imagination be any threat to us whatsoever.

People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha?

Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.

I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it.

Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is - and it is - it is merely a ride...

Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't...Paula Abdul doesn't...there does seem to be a pattern.

I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it. I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

Been on what I call my Flying Saucer Tour--appearing in small Southern towns--in front of handfuls of hillbillies.

God has this...hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality.

That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one.

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags.

A Christian will say... "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really un-evolved?

And I'm not getting laid! What am I doing wrong?

You all saw him - he had a gun.

'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style.

Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood.

Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up.

I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all.

Marijuana grows naturally...Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural?

Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.

Oh--won't we party hard when L.A. goes kersplash?...L.A. fell in the ocean?... There is a God. He loves us all so much.

It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung.

What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?...

What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all One?...You can see why the government's cracking down.

Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years.

We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally on our planet, serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying that God made a mistake.

The world's like a ride in a fairground & when you choose to go on it you think it's real, that's how powerful our minds are

How many of y'all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots when those people were being pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death - step on the f***ing gas, man! They're on foot, you're in a truck - I think I see a way out of this.

See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

In the beginning God created the heavans and the earth... see you at the final.

Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister.

How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. 'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt...

It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet...

I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth.

I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego...

I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing...Those unwanted babies...? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps.

I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties.

I was a weekend drinker...I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday...thought I was controlling it...but I don't drink any more.

Humanity is just a virus with shoes.

I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York...Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye you lizard scum! Bye!

How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? ...Seventy percent. What the f-k? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?