Bob Hope Humor Quotations

And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them. We didn't know that in America after the war, you wouldn't be able to get into a sushi joint without a reservation. And we thought they lost.

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.

As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it's obsolete."

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?

My folks were English . . . we were too poor to be British.

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.

Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.

The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.

The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and a maid to press it for me.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.

There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.

English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. "

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.

It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then, on my way home, I see couples on every street corner doing it better.

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.

It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers...

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?