Lily Tomlin Quotations

The road to success is always under construction.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.

I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

I grew up in a time when women didn't really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny - because it's powerful; it's a threat.

I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.

I guess if people couldn't profit from war I don't think there would be war.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.

I especially love 'Web Therapy' and I did 'Eastbound and Down' too. I had a lot of fun doing that.

I never officially came out in any kind of really public way. I just always lived very simply and openly, but the press has never made a big fuss about me or said anything to me.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

What I appreciate is acknowledging to the audience that I think they have brains.

I think my politics are just inclined to be empathetic and humanistic. I grew up with so many different kinds of people with different politics, different religion, no religion, no politics, education, no education, and I was infatuated with all of them.

Many times I sit back and say, 'I can't believe that this is my life!' Other times, I feel self-satisfied. I mean, there's a lot to be proud and thankful for but, nonetheless, it's just a life!

You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.

When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime - and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed.

But there are too many people that make so much money at the cost of lives of other humans and for no reason but to make the money.

What is reality, anyway? Just a collective hunch.

I guess that's one of the reasons that you do it - work all the time - because it's sort of a high to find something that really works.

We are all in this together, by ourselves.

I mean yes to act out something or take chances in the performance is one thing. But in terms of a camera, whatever's captured is captured so that's a little more daunting.

You don't really need to get married, but marriage is awfully nice. Everybody I know who got married, they say it really makes a difference. They feel very, very happy about it.

What if it's boring - or if it's not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring.

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

Creating characters is just another way to express a type and put that type to use.

I was always drawn to more the social-expression-of-culture types.

If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed.

The problem with winning the rat race is you're still a rat.

Certainly, Aaron wrote a real interesting character to begin with,

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library.

If the formula for water is H2O, is the formula for an ice cube H2O squared?

I think we always kind of look forward to seeing each other. Dolly and Jane are both so kind of optimistic and upbeat, you know?

Yeah. If I looked as good as Jane, I would, too!

Why is it when we talk to God, we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

When we talk to God we are praying; when God talks to us, we are schizophrenic.

We're the phone company. We don't care. We don't have to.

You look around and you see that George Carlin and Willie Nelson are doing as well as ever. ... You can grow old and still be vital.

I've never liked topical material, because it has no shelf life, but sometimes you just have to say something because there's too much going on that's hard on our country and the planet,

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

One comedy event an evening is enough for me.

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.

Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.

It was just a funny notion about everything. We were lucky that Jane had such a passion for it and she, from the beginning, wanted the two of us; Dolly and me.

I'll start to cry now, ... included the way I was included.

I generally do four or five dates a month, ... This is a stand-alone date I took because I was expecting to be in New York and thought this would be a good side trip.

His artistry soars to heights of sublime silliness and divine absurdity.

Because of my success on 'Laugh-In,' I'd play to sold-out comedy club houses at the same time, ... But when I'd do my routines, I'd play to virtually silent (houses) night after night. It seemed that although my audiences were rapt in attention, my humor wasn't what they were expecting. I don't do joke after joke after joke.

I'd rather have the illusion that (politicians) had ideas and high inspirations and principals, that they foster something in people that makes them want to be part of it instead of all of this exclusion stuff, which is really horrible. Everyone's not the same.

The film is very 'Nashville'-like in the sense that there are all of these characters who intermingle because we're on the same radio show,

Remember we're all in this alone.

Does your mind feel more and more like teflon? Nothing sticks to it?

Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth.

After all, in private, we're all misfits

Exercise is for people who can't handle drugs or alcohol.

The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year-everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.

Well, if I can be of any help at all, you are in worse trouble than I thought.

There's nothing sadder than getting to the end of your life and saying, 'I didn't do it right'.

I have always felt that humor was a wonderful vehicle to let us become connected with each other and ourselves… I try to portray the similarities and polarities in men and women, so that we can acknowledge and embrace our collective consciousness.

There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.

Language was invented because of the deep human need to complain.

You can't expect insights, even the big ones, to make you suddenly understand everything. But I figure: Hey it's a step in the right direction if they leave you confused in a deeper way.

No matter how cynical I get, I can't keep up.

In the depths of the night, fear grips my heart. It paralyzes my mind. But most of all, I feel very, very alone

I wonder what it would be like if we all became what we wanted to be when we grew up? I mean, imagine a world filled with nothing but firemen, cowboys, nurses and ballerinas.

Suddenly I burst into song: 'Awe, sweet mystery of life, at last I found thee...' And I felt so good inside and my heart felt so full, I decided I would set time aside each day to do awe-robics. Because at the moment you are most in awe of all there is about life that you don't understand, you are closer to understanding it all than at any other time.

We're giving jobs to people who would otherwise be out of work if we weren't exploiting cheap labor.

When we talk to god, it's prayer. When god talks to us, it's schizophrenia.

Success is a ladder that cannot be climbed with your hands in your pocket - The road to success is always under construction

If beauty is truth, why don't women go to the library to have their hair done?

When we speak to God, we call it prayer; when God speaks back, we call it psychosis!

My space chums think my unique hookup with humanity could be evolution's awkward attempt to jump-start itself up again. They're thinking just maybe, going crazy could be the evolutionary process trying to hurry up mind expansion. Maybe my mind didn't snap. Maybe it was just trying to stretch itself into a new shape. The cerebral cortex trying to grow a thumb of sorts.

If life is so meaningless, then why are we always bringing it up?

The larger picture is really to swing people's awareness of what really is moral.

If you can't be direct, why be?

Infinity is just time on an ego trip.

Truth is, I've always been selling out. The difference is that in the past, I looked like I had integrity because there were no buyers.

Did you know, in the entire universe, we are the only intelligent life forms thought to have a Miss Universe contest?

I bought a box of animal crackers, but there was nothing inside. They'd eaten each other.

Nobody is here without a reason. ... I always had a different sensibility. I like a huge range of comedy - from broad and farcical, the most sensitive, the most understated - but I always wanted my comedy to be more embracing of the species rather than debasing of it.

Being a New Yorker is never having to say you are sorry.

Sexual freedom and liberation has to be of your own making. I'm stunned when I hear about friends' children, ten or twelve years old giving blow jobs. I just don't like the girls being used or exploited in that way. It's just indiscriminate sexual relating. It's just the isolated things.