Colin Mochrie Quotations

The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge.

We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second.

This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.

You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school.

We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out

Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.

Comedy is such a personal thing. Everybody can cry at the same thing, but it's a lot harder to get everyone to laugh at the same thing.

Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!

To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap.

Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.

My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.

Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?

Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?

Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had.

And if that isnt the truth, it would be a lie.

I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!

My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist!

Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin!

The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.

I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work.

As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers.

When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage.

I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people.

My agent, Jeff Andrews, suggested I write a book. For some reason. he doesn't like it when I'm not doing anything.

Last time I saw him he tried to murder me. But when you're trying to kill someone by chopping their head off, rolling them up in a carpet and lighting it on fire, you better make sure they're dead!

Judy Garland would gain and lose a lot of weight, and because of that, she ended up having no derriere, so she had to have a prosthetic one to give her shape in some of her evening gowns. Because we're working on a Canadian show and they're very cheap, they wanted to take my wife's prosthetic (butt) away. That was the whole pilot. The great thing about a Canadian show is we have a little more freedom, I think.

The American audiences are more vocal and enthusiastic. British audiences tend to sit back a little more.

When I think about it, I mean really, I'm 47, I should be embarrassed by this. A grown man, barefoot, walking on mousetraps, just to get an audience to laugh. It's sad in a way.

We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes.

I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs.

I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned.

I have many favorite artists...Van Gough as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!

There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting.

Every song a hit, every hit a smack!

You know, if I don't make it when I go out there in that weather balloon into that thunder storm. I want, you to take your ear and give it to my wife.

What kind of FBI agent are you?

Hi. There was a big accident, some people got decapitated, here are their names... You know what? That shirt really makes you look fat. I mean, the colour's all wrong... I mean, who shot the drapes?

I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine.

But you know, we have more hits than you can possibly think about. One of my personal favorite artists is the wonderful artist named Cher. And although I love much of her late stuff, her early stuff was the stuff that I really, really loved.

Hey, come on, I've seen younger faces on money. Money.

Let me play a man in a scene.

What if hamsters fought in the American Revolution?

I was a bookworm. Every week I'd go to the library and get seven books. Remember libraries? I wonder if people still go. And I learned about everything from the library. I came from a Scottish family. Old school.

I have so many evil plans, I'm just trying to find the one which would be best right now!

It all started with a badly timed bald joke!

There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky.

Why are there so many trees in the jungle?

When you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling 'em up in a carpet and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead!

You don't sweat much for a fat girl!

The Hills are alive with the sound of CRAP!

After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty has a great fall.

My mother on her death bed told me, 'Where the hell did that kangaroo come from!?' - it just popped out of nowhere and punched her in the head and caused a cerebral hemorrhage, so I thought I'd move to a country where there were no kangaroos!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It's not like the sheep was underage.

If Sting retires, would he have to change his name to Stung?

I believe it was Shakespeare who said, 'All the world's a stage, and you are CRAP!'

NASA sends probe to Uranus, people everywhere giggle.

Give me liberty! Or a bran muffin!

Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.

He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye, and had that sort of milky film over the other one, ya..ya know, ya know what I mean? But still he was my identical twin.

Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.

Hi, well soon return you to the dyslexic production of Bitty Bitty Chang Chang...

Did you know that..........'embargo' spelled backwards is 'o grab me

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

For as long as I can remember I've had memories.

Brad and I are both stage hogs; we like to be on stage a lot.

As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living.

I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money.