Daniel Tosh Quotations

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

I can say that. I have a television show.