Harriet Lerner Quotations

Request an apology when you believe you deserve one, but don't get in a tug of war about it. Instead, be a role model and tender a genuine apology yourself when an apology is due. Your willingness to apologize can be contagious and models maturity for your partner. Also, your non-apologizing partner may use a nonverbal way to reconnect after a fight, defuse the tension, or show you he's in a new place and wants to repair a disconnection. Accept the olive branch however it's offered.

If you pursue a distancer, he or she will distance more. Consider it a fundamental law of physics.

Feeling essentially superior to other people is as sure a sign of poor self-esteem as feeling essentially inferior.

Judging people for whom they love (a same sex partner) rather than by whom they harm, should in itself merit a psychiatric diagnosis.

Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to stop trying to be helpful.

You can't evaluate a prospective partner if you insulate your relationship from your family and friends--and his.

Kids want nothing more than for all the important adults in their life to get along.

The miracle is that your children will love you with all your imperfections if you can do the same for them.

The rush of sexual attraction can act like a drug and blur our capacity for clear thinking. This can lead us to distance ourselves from our friends or even abandon our life plan for someone who couldn't otherwise be relied on to water our plants and feed our cat.

No book or expert can protect us from the range of painful emotions that make us human.