Robin Williams Humor Quotations

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

I went to rehab for alcoholism in wine country, just to keep my options open.

We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full."

Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle." ?

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

But only in their dreams can men be truly free It was always thus and always thus will be.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?