Steven Wright Car Quotations

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.