Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
What a nice night for an evening.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.