Anthony Jeselnik Friend Quotations

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though...

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I'm addicted to them. It's really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, Do you see that, honey?... Why can't you be that skinny?

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.