George Carlin Time Quotations

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'.

Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

I'm having fun because I don't take it (life) seriously - the only things I care about are my family, friends, work and my lady, Sally. Philosophers for a long time have said 'why are we here?' - I'm here for the entertainment. If you're born in the world, you're given a ticket to the freak show; if you're born in America, you get a front row seat.