Andy Borowitz Quotations

I am resigning effective immediately. Bo Derek will become the new vice president.

Get over yourselves with the coffee. You know, we all have it. It's like being famous for mustard or gum.

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.

Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.

It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.

A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.

White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in "Duh" magazine.

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.

NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.

Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.

Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.

The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.

Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'

Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.

On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.

Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"

We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.

Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

Britney is one of our great comedians. She has been hilarious,

I wanted to get away from big, expensive network projects, ... so I moved to New York and I did nothing. And then I discovered the Internet. I didn't think of it as a moneymaker -- I wrote stuff I thought my friends would find funny.

After Sept. 11, I didn't write a piece for a couple of days because I thought people wouldn't want me to be funny. This time, it was so obvious what could be written, and I'll continue to write it. I can usually gauge reader response from the number of people who cancel on my e-mail list, and there's been no major withdrawal.

At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the decision to pay recruits in gasoline, while unorthodox, was a 'slam-dunk solution' to the Army's nagging shortfalls in enlistment.

I feel like Cal Ripken or something, ... This insanity is all self-imposed.