Terry Pratchett Discworld Quotations

The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.

His movements could be called cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things.

If you put butter and salt on it, it tastes like salty butter.

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.

Did I do anything last night that suggested I was sane?

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.

What're quantum mechanics?" "I don't know. People who repair quantums, I suppose.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Just because it's not nice doesn't mean it's not miraculous.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

And, while it was regarded as pretty good evidence of criminality to be living in a slum, for some reason owning a whole street of them merely got you invited to the very best social occasions.

He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.

Most gods find it hard to walk and think at the same time.

There are no inconsistencies in the Discworld books; ocassionally, however, there are alternate pasts.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease.

What can the harvest hope for...

Corporal Nobbs had been disqualified from the human race for shoving

I am death, not taxes. I turn up only once.

Inside every sane person there’s a madman struggling to get out.

We've got a lot of experience of not having any experience

Divide by cucumber error. Please reinstall universe and reboot.

I imagine that fish have no word for water.

Multiple exclamation marks,' he went on, shaking his head, 'are a sure sign of a diseased mind.

Despite rumor, Death isn't cruel--merely terribly, terribly good at his job.

The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.

Creators aren't gods. They make places, which is quite hard. It's men that make gods. This explains a lot.

And it came to pass that in time the Great God Om spake unto Brutha, the Chosen One: "Psst!

And no practical definition of freedom would be complete without the freedom to take the consequences. Indeed, it is the freedom upon which all the others are based.

I commend my soul to any god that can find it.

And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head.

This time it had been magic. And it didn't stop being magic just because you found out how it was done.

[The pamphlet] was very patriotic. That is, it talked about killing foreigners.

The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).

This I choose to do. If there is a price, this I choose to pay. If it is my death, then I choose to die. Where this takes me, there I choose to go. I choose. This I choose to do.

Words are the litmus paper of the mind.

A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.

As we all know, the Discworld is a flat planet - like a geological pizza, but without the anchovies.

You can't find a hermit to teach you herming, because of course that rather spoils the whole thing.

I like the idea of democracy. You have to have someone everyone distrusts,

You need to believe in things that aren't true. How else can they become?