Woody Allen Funny Quotations

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city.

... years of insanity have made this guy crazy!

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

I am an only child. I have one sister.

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.

How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.

I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?