Hilarious Quotations | Page 3

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

I like letting people in on the process. When we did a speed-dating scene, we hired all these hilarious women ... and let them go off on Steve. ... If something's funny, I hate for it to just sit in a basement.

And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.

He's nervous about it. I think it's hilarious -- all these dogs, swimming around. It's cracking me up.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.