Artie Lange Quotations

I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I wanted to do was play short stop for the Yankees from the time I was about 5. Then I turned 15 and realized how silly that was and just gave up on it.

Woody Allen stayed so good because he never left New York. Howard Stern stayed so good because he never left New York - Mel Brooks when he just got out of New York was doing 'Blazing Saddles;' when he left New York he started doing stuff like 'Robin Hood Men In Tights' - he was in L.A. too long. He lost the edge.

As a child, as far as I was concerned, my dad had an amazing job, and we had all the money we needed. My life was so fun and carefree that I didn't realize at all that we weren't rich - until I met someone rich. Still, I've never met a rich kid who grew up as happy as I did.

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once you're laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what I'm saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.

To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world

When I became a standup comic, my hero, one of them, was Richard Pryor, and you know, I think that comedians, like, comedians talk about hacks, and what a hack is, is someone who does stuff that's not original.

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.

My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.

Only when you're in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you've made of your life, gazing up at the peak you fell from, do you truly know how small you are and understand how tall you used to be.

Unlike a lot of comics, I didn't care about getting on 'Saturday Night Live.' That show had such history and was so established that I didn't see the point.

When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard to find on a map, but that they also use the names of seasons as verbs. When they asked me, 'Where did you summer and winter growing up?' I would usually say, 'As a child? The same place I springed and autumned.'

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life?

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons.

When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But the worst trick time plays on you is just how slowly the worst times in your life take you to live through.

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me!

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

It's weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can't be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We've got to figure out a way to do it on stage.

My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly and catch them well. It was great training for when I started to play on teams, which I did all through school.

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that

When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.

When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.

I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.'

People are so nice, you know. It's such a credit to Howard Stern - the audience base that he created is such a special thing. It took him a long time to create this family of fans, and I was lucky to be a part of that for a while.

Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he's pulling it out of thin air.

You know you're on stage being the life of the party and trying to get laughs, and then, in a lot of ways, you don't have anything to give once you give it to the people.

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.

Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

It's good to be alive.

I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.

Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.

I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.

All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once youre laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what Im saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking

I think it reminds me of my childhood, my father, .. I think people have the same reaction. It reminds you of what it was like to be a kid, where everything is carefree and fun.

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota

A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.

I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.

I got cast on 'MADtv' as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics who'd been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot.

You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?'

A big part of my living is my stand-up material on the road,

It's about softball, ... How as the guys get older and the relationships change, and softball is the only thing keeping them together.

I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

intends to be at work on Monday morning. Probably more will be resolved then.

If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard's money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.