His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.