Joan Rivers Life Quotations

No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.

if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'

Never floss with a stranger.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Life does not measure up to performing... Performing is perfect.

I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.