Joan Rivers Funny Quotations

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Never floss with a stranger.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.