Jeff Foxworthy Quotations

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

When I first started out, being from the South and going to New York or Chicago, people kept telling me to get voice lessons and 'lose that stupid accent you got.' And I'm like, 'Well, where I come from, you have the stupid accent.'

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love.

I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

I teach a Bible study for homeless guys in downtown Atlanta every week. Been doing it for years. That's the guys I'd rather go talk to. I'd rather take my act outside the church.

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.

Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.

We're all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we've got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, 'Hey, we're all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here.' We need to have a sense of humor about it; that's kind of the way I've always faced my comedy.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

I never thought I would do a game show, but now I guess I'm now officially in that genre.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.

I love comedy. God has given me this platform.

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

I was like, 'Have you all heard me talk?' ... You know, nobody's making Seinfeld live in Indiana.

Jeff puts his relationship first and foremost and realizes I do the same, so he really watches out for me and makes sure I don't have to do anything on the show that would upset David. I was warned when I started a sketch comedy show that they could be cutthroat, but it's been like a family.

Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck Dictionary: Words You Knew the Meaning Of

We don't do that here. We only take urine samples.

You may be a redneck if . . . you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

You don't have anything; you don't own anything.

I'm two decisions away from putting up drywall for a living, ... I am, and there's nothing wrong with that, but whatever I got, it's through the grace of God, and I've got to use it right.

I always wore cowboy boots and drove a truck, and talked like this. So everywhere I would go in comedy people would say, "Foxworthy, you ain't nothing but a redneck from Georgia!" It kind of became a formula joke.

I think with a comedian, when you get to the point of a greatest hits, it's kind of an acknowledgment that you've been doing stand-up a long time, which not very many people do.

People should see your faith. If all you do is talk about your faith and people don't see it, but they ought to see it in the way you treat your family, you treat your friends, you treat your community.

As a comedian I appreciate every kind of comedy. You decide for yourself what you're going to do.

I'm an outdoor nut. If I'm not working, I'm on a tractor on my farm, hunting, fishing or climbing a mountain.

If you're a redneck, you have that blood flowing through your veins. That's almost on the bucket list, to hear Lynyrd Skynyrd`s "Freebird" live.

If most people wanted to be incognito, they put on a fake beard or mustache. If I wanted to I'd just shave mine off.

I'm very lucky in that I've gotten to do a lot of things. But if you ever put a gun to my head and said, "You can only do one," I'd think it would be stand-up. I think it's the coolest job in the world.

I would love for someone to offer me a serious part in something. I don't know if I could even pull it off, but I would like to be the cowboy that rides off and someone shoots him off the horse in the middle of town. Just a serious role. It wouldn't have to be a big one.

We really didn't have the option of being couch potatoes when I was growing up. There were only three television channels and the only kid's programming was on Saturday morning. We always played outside until we could hear Mom calling us (not by cell phone but with her hands cupped around her mouth) that it was dinner time.

I just love people. I love this country. I am the American dream. I grew up by the airport with a dirt yard. Never in my life should I have been a success. So that's what I love about this country [USA], is you get out there and you have the opportunity and you work hard at it, and you can be a success.

As an individual, as a household, you can't spend more money than you're bringing in. You can do it for a little while, but you end up going broke and you end up losing everything you have. That is the path that we're on as a country, and it scares me to death.

Children that play outside develop better problem solving skills and have a stronger ability to work within a group.

We probably stagnate our children's emotional growth by not letting them have some separation from us.

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

I actually had a chance to be in Delta Farce, but I couldn't do it because I read the script.

If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk', you might be a redneck

It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.

If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

You just may be a redneck if your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

You might be a redneck if...the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.

You might be a redneck if...you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

There's a whole segment of the population with a mentality that bases good times on where they can go and what they can buy.

Redneck is: the glorious absence of sophistication

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.

If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck.

When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada

If someone at Fleet Farm offers you assistance and they don't work there you might live in Wisconsin.

You might be a redneck if...your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You might be a redneck if...you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.

You might be a redneck if...Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

Sacrificing myself to kill Hilary Clinton was the best thing I could possibly do for humanity

If you think fast food is hittin a deer att 65 miles per hr.. you might be a redneck

You may be a redneck if . . . you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.