George Carlin Um Quotations

Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.

Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a tradition of the trickster, and the trickster was a clown, a humorous fellow. His task was to trick the gods, to humor the gods into laughing, so that there was access to the divine - because laughter is a moment when we are completely ourselves.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.

One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell"

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

A pear is a failed apple.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.

Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

I had run away from home three times. I had been kicked out of three different schools under different circumstances. I was kicked out of everything that I didn't quit. Kicked out of schools. Kicked out of summer camp, the Boy Scouts, the alter boys, the choir, and something else that I can't think of, that I'm proud of. Anyway, that was my pattern. I just began to invent myself early in life, and went out and did something about it.

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."

In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

The status quo sucks.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

What year did Jesus think it was?

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity