Henny Youngman Funny Quotations

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Old teachers never die, they just grade away.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say....

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.