Groucho Marx Funny Quotations

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

All geniuses die young.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight...

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

Room service? Send up a larger room.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Any place I hang my head is home.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

The only real laughter comes from despair.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.