Groucho Marx Humorous Quotations

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

All geniuses die young.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Any place I hang my head is home.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.