George Burns Humorous Quotations

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

I worried about playing God (in the movie Oh God). We're about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.