David Letterman Art Quotations

John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.

John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.

I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.

Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive.

The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.

Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.

He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.

I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.

Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.

The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins.

Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.

While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.

The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.

Theres not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesnt enjoy a tasty beverage.

New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.

St. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.

Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.

Them bats is smart. They use radar!

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

When I was 52, I woke up after eight hours of heart surgery -- that's a big deal, ... I had my first son last year, that's a big deal. Now, I'm part of the team that won the Indianapolis 500. Those are three pretty good things to have in your life.

This win today has so many interesting, worthy facets, ... Bobby touched on Buddy coming in, getting a good ride. Was there a stronger car in the field today? Was there a stronger driver in the field today? My God, Buddy just would not stop, and it was eating everybody alive. There's something about it, it was I think preordained certainly. You could feel it. You could feel it from the start of the race.