David Letterman Men Quotations

Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man - he already has all of his sex scandals behind him.

You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.

Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.

I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.

Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.

Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'

Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.

I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

He has been greatly missed since his retirement ... Thank God for videotapes and DVDs. In this regard, he will always be around.

They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that.

Say what you will about Leona Helmsley, when it comes to standing trial, she's twice the man Jim Bakker is.

Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.

Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.

Put bygones behind us, ... the water under the bridge, over the dam, wherever water goes -- standing in your basement -- she's going to be here on this show and it's going to be fantastic.

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

Theres not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesnt enjoy a tasty beverage.

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.

I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.

Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.

This just gives you an idea of what a big, big star this really is. She's huge. Put bygones behind us, the water under the bridge, over the dam, wherever water goes standing in your basement she's going to be here on this show and it's going to be fantastic.

This just gives you an idea of what a big, big star this really is, ... She's huge. Put bygones behind us, the water under the bridge, over the dam, wherever water goes standing in your basement she's going to be here on this show and it's going to be fantastic.