David Letterman Funny Quotations

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.