Rodney Dangerfield Sex Quotations

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.