Steven Wright Quotations

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.