Zach Galifianakis Humor Quotations

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.