Henny Youngman Humor Quotations

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say....

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.