Fran Lebowitz Funny Quotations

You're only as good as your last haircut.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

Polite conversation is rarely either.