W. C. Fields Drinking Quotations

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is always placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything - coffee, water, milk, soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so as long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing. I will make mine whisky.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.

Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I drink therefore I am.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.